Does God will?

I am not really sure what to think about the concept of God’s will. There have been many decision points in my life where I found myself paralyzed. I would pray into the night, ask for signs, and overanalyze every encounter and experience, wondering if this was pointing me towards a certain path. I find myself haunted by this fear that one day I will look back on my life and feel as if I hadn’t lived into what my potential was- or what I should have done with my life- what God secretly wanted me to do with my life and was trying to tell me but I put my head in the sand and kept pursuing comfort, success, etc.

In this muck and mire of indecision it often becomes impossible to discern what I even want.  My own desires are trampled deep into a space inaccessible to my conscious mind. And when I am able to be in touch with my desires I’m still never quite sure if I can trust them- who’s to say my desires are at all aligned with the will of God? Or is this just what I desire now but I will kick myself later for not having better vision? More foresight into what is truly important?

The first time I found myself in this space was when I was deciding whether or not I was ready to get married. I felt disconnected from myself and from God and was desperate for answers. This was the first time in my life I experienced true anxiety. Anxiety that would wake me in the night, steal my appetite, and apprehend my nervous system. I knew that I loved my boyfriend of 5 years, TJ, and that he loved me in a way that was humbling. I knew that I respected his judgement and he made me laugh. I felt sure that we could weather hard times together and emerge better and closer for it. We were each other’s favorite person to spend time with and I trusted him fully. I wanted to get married eventually and believed in the beauty of commitment. I also knew that he was my only serious relationship I had ever had. We were also young, only 22, and I kept thinking how life was long and there were so many men I had never met. I also knew that I am fiercely independent and hate feeling tethered or tied down. I feared I wasn’t ready for this kind of commitment and needed more time to figure out what was important to me. To feel only accountable to myself. What was I to do with all of this equally true and conflicting information? I somehow had to learn what it meant to sit in discomfort. To not have resolution right away. And to take steps forward nonetheless.

In 2018, TJ and I got married. I love the life we are building together. Honestly, looking back, there wasn’t one moment where the decision came to me with clarity. I just eventually decided that life without TJ was scarier than life with him. At times, I still wonder where I would be if I had decided to split ways with TJ. I shiver at the thought but, also, feel this assurance that all would have been well. There would have been heartbreak, but I would of grown resilient. Perhaps my path would of led me back to TJ or to another man, who knows, but there would have been grace.

Looking back, this perspective makes me feel like perhaps the will of God has little to do with the literal circumstances of our life and more about the internal transformation that is born from seasons of discernment. If our life could take infinite paths and God will be there for all of them, is there a path that is better? Or that God prefers?

This year, I found myself back in this space of uncertainty. I walked an interview process that was leading me towards a career shift and relocation to TN. I ended up getting the job offer but turning it down. It was an agonizing decision filled with fitful nights and frantic journal entries. It took me a few weeks to come down from the stress and it left me wondering if I had made a huge mistake. A few months later, I ended up transitioning into a new, different role and, a few months after that, my husband and I decided to relocate to CO so I could work on my PhD.

This season of multiple large decisions again brought me to the end of what I thought I knew about the will of God. In my moments of quiet contemplation, I kept feeling the Lord’s gentle presence but no direction. All I knew is that I felt free. Free to choose. And this terrified me.

Over this period of confusion, I decided to ask people that I love and respect how they interact with the concept of “discerning God’s will for your life”. In these conversations, I found the answers were vastly different and peppered with personal experience.  

My sister, who is in an acutely overwhelming and demanding season of young motherhood, offered that discerning the will of God is a one decision at a time affair. Just make one decision and then move onto the next one. And try to have a value system to align your choices with. In our conversation, we arrived at the idea that maybe the pressure of making a “right choice” is false and even damaging. Akin to dating with the expectations of finding your soul mate. Cute but completely impractical.   

Many of my close friends said they listen for the will of God by listening to their own desires. They believe that God is the source of such desire, so these desires are trustworthy! The things that excite them and drive them are all wrapped up in the fabric of who God made them to be. So being true to who you are is, inherently, following the will of God.

For my mom, God meets her in a very practical way. Throughout her life, she has example after example of opportunities being so clearly presented to her. Even when she tries to resist, it quickly becomes completely obvious what she ought to do! For her, discerning the will of God is to walk through open doors and respect closed doors.

For my more charismatic spiritual community, the will of God is far more mystical. God has come to them in prayer, in worship, and through other people. God has given them words and phrases in dreams and through strangers. They have taken risks and made decisions based on a mystical experience alone. For these, the will of God is about listening and expectation. Discerning the will of God is an invitation to liminal space. 

I observed that often times people in their second half of life have accepted their own lack of control. They have some sense that, although they may have regrets, what worked out is what was meant to be. For others, their agency is essential and they are constantly seeking to steer the ship and manifest what they understand the kingdom of God to be. Heaven on earth. Others, like me, are just kind of confused.  

Despite my utter lack of understanding, I couldn’t help walking away from these conversations with a sense that God meets people where they are and helps them how they need to be helped. For me, when I ask for answers outside myself, so often God turns me around and sends me back into myself. In this way, discernment is an invitation to descent. In this descent, I am finding that everything I need in life I already have! The presence of God is readily available to me. My life is not a future to decode but a reality I am living. For me, the will of God feels like coming back to the now. To letting God meet me here. To be transformed.

I am in the middle of this story so, as is life, I don’t have a takeaway that is clean or can fit on a quote board. One thing that has been born from this season is a feeling of presence and gratitude. I feel this permission from my depths to choose. To pursue. To try. To fail. To change my mind. This presence and gratitude is an internal affair so, perhaps, the external circumstances of my life don’t matter as much as I fear they do.

I can’t help but wonder if the will of God is somehow fluid. What we want and what we choose is somehow wrapped up in what God is doing in us and through us and around us. As we bend and step to nudges and limits and passions, so is God bending and stepping to support and transform us as we are willing. Maybe discerning the will of God is less like a scavenger hunt and more like a dance. A partnership.

The story God is writing is a story of incarnation. Perhaps to believe in God is to believe that the undercurrent of reality is heading somewhere good. Is heading towards healing. If this is true, then goodness and healing is inescapable. It is all part of this unshakeable will of God that we are swept into.